InstaClone: One to Keep and One to Share
SCENE: Dad and Mom in a car picking up their smart-ass, just-adolescent son from arrogant, terribly wealthy, old-maid, great-aunt's palatial estate somewhere in rural New Jersey.
ANNOUNCER: (In the voice of the nutty scientist type on The Simpsons: nerdily adenoidal) Has this ever happened to you?
GREAT AUNT: (witheringly condescending in a bitch Aunt Bea voice, with pained affection) Jimmy-- and... uh...(heavy contempt) Lois. If you should have any other business difficulties, please don't hesitate to leave young Kevin with me. (sparkly) That boy is my joie de vivre.
DAD & MOM: (SFX: thought reverb, co-thinking despairingly) He's the joy of your life?
GREAT AUNT: Perhaps over the Christmas holidays. I'll send Chadwick with the Bentley. They seem to have taken quite a shine to each other. (titters joyfully) You know, wax on, wax off! Like in that movie.
DAD & MOM: (SFX: thought reverb) Are we talking the same kid?
GREAT AUNT: Goodbye, dear Kevin.
KEVIN: (really sweet voice) Auf Wiedersehen, liebe Tante.
GREAT AUNT: (delighted swooning shriek) Ooooh!
SFX: Adieu chat—buh-bye, we'll call soon, can't ever thank you enough, take care—ending with start of car ignition and two doors slamming.
DAD & MOM: Shut your door, Kevin. (SFX: thought reverb) Auf Wieder—?
SFX: Single car door slamming loudly cuts off parents' thoughts
KEVIN: Whatta bitch!
MOM: (shocked voice) Kevin! Don't speak of Great Aunt Belsen that way.
DAD: (equally shocked) You know how much she thinks of us!
KEVIN: (snotty sarcasm) Oh, yeah? Well, she thinks you were a fool to leave Great Uncle's law firm to set up Compu-Trol Flight Simulators.
ANNOUNCER: (Simpsons' Nutty Scientist (N.S.)) Sounds like this family could use a new-age solution to an age-old problem—
SEXY BLOND: (In a breathy, I'm-always-here-to-please-you, 1-900 sex-voice) Instaclone!
KEVIN: She said she hopes you give her something other than a cheeseball this Christmas.
SEXY BLOND: Instaclone!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, Instaclone—for that difficult-to-please loved one.
KEVIN: She said she's already got enough of 'em in the freezer to make a small moon!
DAD: (SFX: thought reverb) Outer space wouldn't be far enough.
MOM: (SFX: thought reverb) Trouble is, there's no booster rocket big enough to—
KEVIN: (sulky petulance) And she said that I was the only good thing to come out of your marriage and perhaps its only redeeming virtue!
DAD & MOM: (Shocked voices out loud) She said that?
ANNOUNCER: (Enthusiastic N.S. ) There's only one gift that can solve so many problems you'll call it the final solution. (switching into N.S. proud lecturer's voice)
Instaclone's automatic phase realignment and exclusive personality retrofitting gives you that complete control you've come to expect in life, whether you're making a simple copy or a temporary, full bio-transfer to eliminate behavioral distortions in the original.
KEVIN: She said she's going to amend her will and name me sole heir!
SFX: Car screeching to a halt.
KEVIN: She said I'm gonna get half the estate this Christmas!
SEXY BLOND: Instaclone!
SFX: Sound of car rapidly accelerating away
ANNOUNCER: (breathlessly urgent) Instaclone—there's not a moment to lose!
(SFX: car acceleration crossfading to... )
SFX: Insistent phone ringing over Hawaiian guitar, suburban, domestic-heaven, Leave It to Beaver music
DAD: (luxuriously relaxed voice) Kevin? Oh, Ke-vin.
KEVIN: (Sweetness-and-light, eager to please, and slightly out of breath) Yes, sir? I just finished waxing the cars and mowing the lawn. I'll weed the garden while the clothes are drying, then I'll start on the boat. Would you like a back rub or a deep tissue massage and some freshly squeezed lemonade before I start supper? (pensively excited) I thought we'd start out with pork teriyaki and snow peas and then—
DAD: Just get the phone, please, Kevin.
KEVIN: (Enthusiastically, clicking heels) Yes, sir! (SFX: answers phone with exceedingly polite and clear personal assistant voice) Phillips' Maui residence. (pauses with phone yak distinctly but unintelligibly overheard) It's for you, sir. I believe it's Great Aunt Belsen.
DAD: (happily melodious) Hello?
SFX: Telephone EQ: Tinny sounds of breaking furniture and glassware in background.
GREAT AUNT: (Horribly distraught) James, you come here immediately and take Kevin home. He's been AB-so-LUTE-ly HOR-rible! The servants have all fled for their lives (then in a somewhat pensive, though perplexed, aside) except for Chadwick, who seems to be crying alone in the bathroom—anyway, Kevin just chased off my attorney with a pick ax and then turned to me and said, 'Hey, bitch! Guess which one you got!'"
DAD: (feigned consternation) But Kevin's right here, Aunt.
GREAT AUNT: How dare you tell me that!
DAD: (In Zaphod Beeblebrox's "Sling open the hatch, computer" inflection from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy #3 Magrathea episode) Say hello to Great Aunt Belsen, Kevin.
GREAT AUNT: The little wretch just went out into the kitchen.
KEVIN: (sweetly) Hello, Great Aunt.
GREAT AUNT: Here comes the little snotfaced brat—(screams loudly)
KEVIN: (Tender concern) You don't sound very well, Great Aunt.
GREAT AUNT: —you—put—that—down! Put it down, I tell you!
KEVIN: Are you sure you're feeling all right?
GREAT AUNT: Stay back! Stay—
SFX: Phone cuts to dial tone
KEVIN: (pauses) Well..., (with regret) Auf Wiedersehen (SFX: slowly hangs up phone). I think she got cut off, sir.
DAD: (sighs) Poor old girl. Probably has a lot on her mind. Now—(cheerily) about that backrub; no, wait. I think I’m in the mood for a deep tissue massage.
SFX: (Domestic-heaven music brought up)
SEXY BLOND: Instaclone!
ANNOUNCER: (N.S., dramatically pleased) Instaclone--One to keep and one to share! Dial 1-800-ALL4YOU
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