New Marketing Directions for Covid, Inc.
If there’s anyone left for Covid, Inc. to sell to after the biowarfare uses finish off “the poor” that the WEF says are no longer needed
Now that “the common cold is going to kill you all” ploy is showing serious signs of unraveling, being the far-sighted visionaries they are, as well as hopeless addicts to filthy lucre and the prospect of unlimited power, the top brass of Covid, Inc will always be thinking years ahead.
So with over 5.61 billion proofs of principle in the bag, you can bet Covid, Inc. will turn their artificial virus tech into what everyone else eventually turns any invention into: a marketable appeal to the customer’s insatiable needs to do something about insecurity, vanity, getting high, and sex.
And since they are able to introduce into anyone at any time any mRNA for any protein from any species on the planet, they will be in the perfect position to make and market tissue-specific body-detailing products.
For instance, imagine these promos:
SFX: Michael Jackson’s song with the race-morphing video.
Voiceover, Michael Jackson’s voice:
“Do you want to have the smooth all-over skin tone of any shade or intensity of the wonderful human melanin palette? No more lotions, creams, or bleaching. No more baking in a tanning bed for hours. No more risk of UV damage! It’s the all natural way to your favorite color.
“We will be able to use our product to insert the RNA for those pigments into your skin stem cells, featuring anything from our “Michael Jackson Kabuki White” to “Dusky Baby,” “Heap Big Wampum Warrior Bronze” to “Tong-Thai’d Me So Honey,” “Sheikh Your Sotadic Zone Sultry,” and “Yo, Bro. What it is? Nigerian Black Gold” looks.”
Call 1-800-FOR-SKIN right now!
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SFX: Sultry sax and sexy Seventies wah-wah guitar comping.
Voiceover, Barry White depth and intensity:
“Want something to enhance your libido without anyone seeing your little blue pills? No, man, not those; we talkin’ bout the Viagra.
“We’ll be able to get into YOUR jeans and transiently express OUR genes to turn you into exactly the man you’ve always wanted to be. And all at one low cost, plus the HIPAA protection of medical privacy.
“And no worries at all over possible permanent damage caused by excessive hang-time once you have the peace of mind of our patent-pending WhackOn/WhackOff feature.
“Also, inspired by a large number of enquiries received from the Indian subcontinent, Japan, and the Korean Peninsula, with many helpful and interesting photos, we’re pleased to announce we’re only about two inches away from being able to extend the effect in other equally gratifying dimensions.
“Here are some of our, shall we say, coming attractions: The Buckin Brahma Bull of Pieceful Insistence, My Own Little Wheelbarrow, and Fat Boy’s Long Dong Missile of Rove, and as a bonus offer for our North Korean Dennis Rodman fans, Hangin’ Ten, Way Down in Mandingo-land, featuring its own rainbow fro!”
Call 1-800-ROOSTER
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SFX: Sounds of the beach, healthy people laughing and playing, a variety of boom boxes, but underlying all the happy normalcy, the plaintive call of whales.
Voiceover, the Sally Struthers emotionally manipulative whine:
“Are you tired of those ugly pounds keeping you from the places you love? Sick of that unfair feeling of privation caused by fasting? Want to lose that fat fast and release your lithe beast within?
“Introducing the RNA for the uncoupling protein found naturally in brown fat that will oxidize fat to produce heat rather than drive oxidative phosphorylation.
“For just ten dollars a month and one painless prick faster than you can say, “Is it in?” you can watch those pounds just begin to melt away. If you schedule this during the winter months, it’ll be a triple win. You’ll save a ton of money on heating bills. You’ll be able to eat as much of whatever you want. And you’ll come out of the winter totally ripped, like a bear in springtime hankering for fish and ready to hit the beach.”
Call 1-800-BIG-LOSS
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SFX: Psychedelic but peaceful kind of Grateful Dead music with undertones of the chants of Tibetan monks:
Voiceover, Cheech and Chong:
Cheech: “Have you ever wondered if there was a way to increase your natural levels of endorphins? A way to live a pain-free and, like, totally relaxed life?
“We can now transiently express in you the RNA for the protein machinery necessary to boost your levels of natural opiates. It will be Mother Nature so at her very best that you’ll call her your own private heroine.
Chong: “We’ve been working with the estate of R. Crumb to develop wide varieties of custom neuropeptides and endorphins, the Keep on Truckin’ and Mr. Natural lines.
“But, even though there are currently no plans for Big Leg Emma, our first 1000 customers will get a free “Hey, baby! Look what I got for you” needlepoint kit or the “Captain Fatima and The Quivering Thigh” sailboat tattoo.
Cheech and Chong together:
“For a good time, just call 1-800-DNATURE”
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Okay, let’s look at a couple of questions submitted online.
Question from Colleen in Pueblo who writes: “I really miss my horse Wildfire. Would your product enable my hair to be like the mane of my dear horse?”
Answer: “Colleen, this is entirely possible and is one of our active areas of research. We are currently working to delink the expression of that phenotype from what some in our research department at first referred to as the Camilla Parker Bowles effect and have managed to tone it down to a moderate but still vivacious Sarah Jessica Parker.”
Question from Xi-Boy in Beijing who writes: “Just asking for a friend who is diabetic, suffers from lack of energy, and is tired of flying his flag at half staff.
“Would it be possible for you to use your product to get cells to express a chimeric triple product consisting of the genes for human insulin, an agonist to block his excessively high levels of acetylcholinesterase, and a smooth muscle N.O. generator so he could have unflagging resilience to do, you know, lots and lots of things?”
Answer: “Our current focus is on the production of items for what’s known in the business as vanity body-detailing products rather than custom-designed products with potentially large impacts on energy metabolism or excitatory nerve function, since proteins involved in such base level processes could prove problematic if over-expressed.
“And while we don’t anticipate a great commercial demand for such products, and though I believe I can anticipate you asking about the brown fat uncoupling protein, I can tell you that’s FAT and fat is never where it’s at, nonetheless, we welcome your enquiries for special orders.”
Please contact our business office and product development at 1-800-EFF-MAGA.
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Linocut by me
Hilarious but too close to the realities coming to us in ways we still can't imagine!
I agree as well. Hilarious and the only thing to add is all that will go wrong on the path to designer humans.